Because of You
by Yukishiro Madoka
Summary: Raven thinks about a certain wizard. Even if she still hates him for his betrayal, she still loves him. And what hurts more than hating and loving him is knowing that he lied to her, betrayed her, and never loved her. [RaeMal]


Disclaimer: The day I owned Teen Titans is the day pigs will rule the world. ;) 

A/N. Squee, a Rae/Malchior ficcie:) It's from Raven's POV. o.o

I feel so bad for Raven...;-; Mal/Rae is a cute couple, if you just ignore the whole dragon/betray thingy. -glares at Malchior and bonks him on the head for hurting Raven-

Hope you likey! Took me quite a while to make this ficcie, tee-hee. :) And review to make Raven feel better! ;)

**Kelly Clarkson** owns **Because of You**

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Distant, faint noises could be heard through the rampage of flaring emotions that flooded throughout my mind. The sky, respecting my thoughts of pain and sorrow, shed its pure tears. Rain... 

I lifted my head up to meet the eyes of the gray-skinned maiden in the mirror. I removed my hood, revealing my face, which I always hid within the shadows of my hood.

The young girl in the glass stared blankly at me, and I sadly gazed back, studying my reflection's appearance, as if searching for something within my soul.

"Malchior..."

Your name rolled off my tongue, leaving behind a mixture of bitterness and sweetness.

I began to cry, something I did everyday locked within my dark room, my prison yet my sanctuary. No, I wasn't really crying. I was merely shedding thick heavy layers of loneliness, misery, and sadness.

I couldn't really cry. I guess...I guess I had forgotten how.

Because of you.

I stood there, staring miserably at the mirror, thinking about him, crying for myself, crying about you, Malchior.

It's stupid, I know.

I am supposed to be emotionless, bleak, cold. And yet, here I am, locked in my dark room, crying over such common issues.

My friends believe I had already moved on about this.

And I pretend to.

But in reality, I know I never will.

I feel so cold.

It isn't because I have my window opened.

I deliberately opened my window.

I don't know why.

I feel so cold, though.

Because of you.

_I will not make the same mistakes that you did_

_I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery_

_I will not break the way you did_

_You fell so hard_

_I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far_

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone.

But although you're still with me...in my dreams and in my wake...

I've been alone all along.

I stay silent to listen to the soft, sorrowful melody of the rain.

I remember that you told me you loved the rain.

_"Rain is misunderstood as darkness is. Rain soothes one's pain and brings warmth instead of coldness, as most people believe."_

If the rain soothes my pain, why do I still hurt?

If the rain brings warmth, why do I still feel cold?

Even the rain can't help me, Malchior.

You lied to me.

You lied!

And you played with my emotions, as if I were a mere doll that you would have fun decaptivating before throwing it away to rot.

You betrayed me!

Do you know how much that hurt, Malchior?

No, you don't.

You don't understand.

You never did.

I thought you did, but your words were merely lies.

No one understands me.

Everyone thinks I'm creepy and weird.

And I am.

And when you came into my life, that was the most happiest day of my life.

It was the most happiest yet miserable day of my life.

Do you know how wonderful it felt, being accepted and understood by someone who was like me?

I thought you were like me.

But I was wrong.

You're not like me!

I don't lie.

I don't betray.

And most of all, I don't break the hearts of the ones who love me.

Yes, Malchior.

I loved you.

It wasn't because you were beautiful.

You were beautiful, even if your soul wasn't.

Even if you were merely an empty shell of nothing but paper of what you once were, you were still beautiful.

I would look in the book everyday, just to see your true, beautiful figure.

I loved your long, silver hair, so silky and soft that I longed to reach out and run my fingers through it.

I loved your smooth skin, so gray and similiar to my own.

I loved your beautiful eyes.

Your aquamarine eyes that held so much emotion, even if they were lies.

You hide your true face behind your eyes.

The beautiful, blue eyes that act as a mask for your true face, a sadistic soul that thrives on misery and pain.

You were dark.

But an evil type of dark.

I hide my face behind my hood.

And behind my face, which is a mere mask of emotionlessness, I hide my true face.

I only revealed that true face to you.

And now that you broke my trust and my heart...

I never show my true face again.

Because of you.

_Because of you_

_I never stray too far from the sidewalk_

_Because of you_

_I learned to play on the safe side_

_So I don't get hurt_

_Because of you_

_I find it hard to trust_

_Not only me, but everyone around me_

_Because of you_

_I am afraid_

You betrayed me like Terra betrayed us.

I knew she was suspicious, but I tricked my heart out of doubt by believing that she was truly my friend.

But in the end, she did redeem herself and saved us all.

And you...Malchior...

I knew it was too good to be true.

I knew it was too beautiful to be truly real.

But I was such a fool.

I tricked my heart out of doubt, just as I had when Terra was my friend, by believing your lies and succumbing to your trickery.

I hate you, Malchior.

I hate you for lying to me.

I hate you for betraying me.

I hate you for using me for your own selfish desires.

I hate you for making me feel like I was truly someone yet now I feel as if I'm a mere shell of emptiness.

I hate you for making me believe that you were like me.

I hate you for putting me through such pain.

I hate you for making me believe that you truly loved me.

I hate you, Malchior.

No...!

I loved you, Malchior.

And I still do.

What a fool I am.

I hate you for your betrayal, yet I still love you after all the pain you've put me through.

Love...

Is there even such a thing?

I don't understand it, yet I want it, to truly understand it, to feel the warmth it gives, to give that warmth to another, and to feel the warmth of their love as well.

I always thought love was foolish.

I guess I'm a fool to love you.

When I was able to truly love, the man I loved - you, Malchior - betrayed me.

_I lose my way_

_And it's not too long before you point it out_

_I cannot cry_

_Because I know that's weakness in your eyes_

_I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh_

_Every day of my life_

_My heart can't possibly break_

_When it wasn't even whole to start with_

Are you that heartless?

You truly don't care about me at all?

All of your words...were lies?

Every heart-warming yet false word that you said to me were lies.

It hurts, Malchior.

It truly does.

_"And you're the best thing that's happened to me in a thousand years."_

I ws surprised at that. It was nice to be regarded as something like that, other than "weird" or "creepy."

_"Then…you don't think I'm…creepy?"_

I didn't care what your answer would be, yet I hoped it would be something different from what others thought of me. I knew you would tell me the truth, and that was all I wanted.

_"Certainly not. You are dark, and darkness is often misunderstood. But I feel like I understand you."_

I know now that it was just a lie. But...at that moment, I just believed it was true. Those beautiful words were warm, so warm that they cut right through the icy crystal that was my heart.

_"I feel that way too."_

I remembered the happiness that rose in my heart, yet the disappointment as a soft yawn escaped from my lips, proclaiming that I needed to sleep.

_"It's late. You should sleep."_

I was afraid that if I slept, I'd wake up to find you only a dream and nothing more. I was afraid, Malchior.

_"Do you promise you'll still be here when I wake up?"_

You should have been a good dream. You should have been a dream that I had woken up from that day, instead of a nightmare that torments me everyday, in my sleep and in my wake.

_"I promise."_

I remember that rose you formed when you spoke those words. A simple, gray paper rose, yet it was the most beautiful thing through my eyes. It was the promise of a beautiful fantasy.

I should have known that beautiful fantasy was too beautiful to be true.

_"A lock of hair from a beautiful girl."_

You told me I was beautiful.

And I believed you.

From that day on, I became beautiful, inside out, for you.

Just for you.

I was beautiful.

And that beauty was only for you. Not any other. Just you.

Because you told me I was so. And I believed your words.

Now that I know they were only lies, it pains me to know that I believed your heart-warming lies.

_Because of you_

_I never stray too far from the sidewalk_

_Because of you_

_I learned to play on the safe side_

_So I don't get hurt_

_Because of you_

_I find it hard to trust_

_Not only me, but everyone around me_

_Because of you_

_I am afraid_

All I ever wanted was for your happiness.

I wanted you to be free.

I wanted you to be happy, not bound to a book for an eternity.

I wanted you.

You were the only thing that I ever wanted.

All I wanted was you.

Was that too much to ask?

I wanted you to be by my side, to be there for me when I cried, to soothe me with your words, to be mine.

But apparantly, it...it wasn't enough.

Or it was just too much.

_"It's dark magic! You've been teaching me dark magic!"_

_"Is it dark, or is it simply misunderstood…like you? True, the spells I've taught you are very powerful. There are those who fear power, so they call it dark. But for people like us, such distinctions do not exist. Without these spells, we can never truly be together. Enchanted pages or no, I'm still trapped within this book—and you're still alone. Is that what you want, Raven? To be alone?"_

No...!

No...

Alone...again...

Cast away in the darkness with no light...

You were my light, Malchior.

If you were gone, then...I'd be alone again...

I didn't want you to be trapped within the book.

I didn't want to be alone.

I didn't want us to be apart.

I wanted you to be free.

I wanted to be with you.

I wanted you.

_"No..."_

I remembered shedding tears at the thought of being alone. Of course, I was always alone. The lonely atmosphere that surrounded me ever since my birth brought me pain, but I never showed my emotions to those around me.

Lonely.

I was lonely.

I am lonely.

I have always been.

And I always would be.

I remember the gentle touch of your artificial hand as you caressed my cheek to wipe away the tears I shed.

_"My sweet Raven, it is time."_

Hearing your words made my heart rise with hope and happiness, thinking we could finally be together.

You called me "sweet."

It was a change from "creepy."

But it was just a false lie.

Just as every other word you spoke to me was.

You addressed me as yours.

Your Raven.

It felt beautiful, thinking that I truly belonged to someone, someone who cared, someone who accepted me, someone who was like me, someone ...who loved me.

But you lied to me.

You lied.

And I gave you what you wanted.

I had been hoping that I myself was what you wanted.

But I wasn't.

And it hurts.

Even sealing you away pained me.

And the words you spoke to me in your true, evil form pained me more.

_"Oh, dear. You're not going to cry now, are you? I know it hurts, but you'll just have to accept the truth. It's over. I got what I wanted, and I don't need you anymore."_

_I watched you die_

_I heard you cry_

_Every night in your sleep_

_I was so young_

_You should have known better than to lean on me_

_You never thought of anyone else_

_You just saw your pain_

_And now I cry_

_In the middle of the night_

_For the same damn thing_

I wanted to cry.

But I know if I did, it would only benefit you.

I knew that if I shed tears at that moment, you would do nothing but laugh mockingly, instead of wiping away my tears with your gentle caress.

And it hurt.

I accepted the truth.

I just didn't forgive it.

You got what you wanted.

And it wasn't me.

You didn't need me anymore.

You never did.

I was only a part of your scheme.

And when you got what you wanted, you cast me away.

It hurt, Malchior.

Yes, I'm weak.

I'm weak!

Are you satisfied?

And you used my weakness against me.

And made me even more weak.

And even though part of me was reluctant to seal you away, I knew I had to.

If I didn't, I would be selfish.

What was the point of keeping you in our world?

I don't know.

But it still hurt, sealing you away.

It was as if...I were sealing a part of my soul with you.

I looked over to the chest, the chest where I kept the book.

And you.

And my haunted memories.

"Malchior..."

Why can't I stop thinking about you?

Because you...you were the only one who made me feel like I wasn't..._creepy._

You made me feel like I was someone.

Someone special.

I wanted to be someone.

Not just anyone.

I was Raven.

But I wanted to be your Raven.

And I know...this dream will never come true.

_Because of you_

_I never stray too far from the sidewalk_

_Because of you_

_I learned to play on the safe side_

_So I don't get hurt_

_Because of you_

_I tried my hardest just to forget everything_

_Because of you_

_I don't know how to let anyone else in_

_Because of you_

_I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty_

_Because of you_

_I am afraid_

I walked over to the open window, gazing out into the rain.

You loved the rain.

Or so you told me.

I love the rain too.

But the rain can't help me now, Malchior.

Nothing and no one can.

I cupped my hands in the rain, feeling the rain pour into my palms.

I looked into the minature pond in my hands, staring into the glistening eyes of my reflection.

And I was certain that your image flashed through the water, your blue eyes gleaming with warmth yet lies and betrayal.

A crystal drop of water streamed from my eye and dropped into the pond, making ripples that parted throughout the lake.

When the ripples cleared, you were gone.

And another tear drops into the lake.

For I know now, Malchior.

I both hate you and love you.

Malchior, you were a beautiful dream I didn't want to wake up from...

But you are now a heartbreaking nightmare that I want to wake up from...

I know now.

You scarred me for life, Malchior.

And these scars are too deep to heal.

Not even time can heal them.

Not the rain.

Not the Titans.

No one.

Never.

Because of you.

_Because of you_

_Because of you

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A/N. Gark. I feel so bad for Raven, and reading my own fic makes me feel MORE bad for her. ;-;

Anywhos, free invisible candy for those who review! -wink- ;)


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